But wait - we need one more introduction. This is my body.
Yeah, yeah I know, don't be jealous. I work my rolls like a queen.
I am making this blog because I need something and someone - hopefully any readers or supporters - to hold me accountable to the extreme lifestyle change I'm about to take.
While losing weight is one of the primary goals here, it's not the main one. The main goal here is to get my life back on track. To get myself back on track. And I know more than anything that I'm going to need all the help I can get for that. If listening to me talk about my struggles as I go through this lifestyle change is something that bores you or makes you uncomfortable, my imaginary friend, Zoe, will show you to the lovely X button at the top right corner of your webpage. Ready? Go.
Okay. Now that we've gotten the select group ready to listen (all one of you), I suppose I should begin.
I am a person who has always had extremely high expectations of myself. While my parents were supportive of my grades in high school, I never got the best grades because of them. I wanted those grades because they were mine. They were something I was good at. The same went for art. I was always really good at art and it became mine too. They were goals of mine. I would go to an incredible school in California, I would become a top animator and I would do it all while learning more, becoming smarter, eventually landing a successful job and carrying out my dreams all in a timely manner.
Obviously, they didn't happen. ;P I'd like to go into a perilously long explanation of the things that have happened to me in the last couple of years that have led me to this decision, but I'm afraid most of it will bore you to tears.
Long story short,
I am lost.
I have reached a point in my life where I am absolutely lost and I don't know where to go from here. I tried reorienting myself to new goals and then those broke too. I know I want to go to school, but even hesitant plans for the fall leave me grasping for straws. I can't finish my art anymore, I can't finish books. I can't finish shows or even cleaning my room as you can see from the picture above. I am numb. Clients get angry with me at work and I feel like I have to react because I'm not reacting to anything. Friends are going through stressful times and I channel it because then at least I feel something. I come home from work and I sit on my bed and watch Special Victims Unit because Instant Watch doesn't need you to press play anymore so the episodes just keep going and who am I to stop at one? I do nothing. Buying DVDs brought a temporary joy. Raising my credit score brought a temporary joy. Eating junk food brought a temporary joy.
And then all the joy stopped.
Only when my friends had the time to hang around me did I feel like myself again. The rest of the time, I was swimming. Outwardly, I was okay. There's nothing wrong with my life, why should I complain about it? I'm making great money, I've got friends, a good car, a huge savings. What more should I need? How could I be unhappy with that?
And then my Aunt Shelley recommended me the Body for Life. It took me a month to read this book, to really read it. I had asked her for something to help me because I wanted the weight change and she asked me specifically, whether I was doing this because I thought I was fat or because I wanted to be happy. Of course I responded because I wanted to be happy.
But I didn't really get it until I realized how unhappy I was and how it had little to nothing to do with how I look.
I didn't lie when I told her I didn't think I was ugly or fat. I know I'm overweight and it's taken me all the strength in my being to overcome that and finally be proud of happy of my physique and learn not to care what other people think. I have no qualms with how I look.
I have plenty, however, with the way I feel.
I decided to do the Body for Life Program. I didn't tell anyone at first because it felt too personal. It was something I'd been mulling over for a long time. Could I do it? Did I dare try only to fail? I'd tried diets and things before with good heart, only to fail. Then I realized there was no other option. I had to do this. I wasn't going to try. I was going to do it. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this. That I could finish something. I had to finish something.
When I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to do Body for Life, she immediately recommended me to Kristy. I was intimidated at first, but extremely longing. Going into this program I had no idea what I was doing. Where do I start? How do I even cook this? What is a yam anyway? Kristy could provide me with direction - only I'd have the direction and the guidance of a live person who's done the program herself and whose own program, Body Buddies, has filled the holes to make up for what she experienced was missing.
Kristy told me tonight that our bodies are like beautiful shiny Ferraris. Think of the outrage you'd feel with one of those cars and your friend started fueling it up with diesel.
It's time for me to start taking car of my little Ferrari.
That starts today.
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