The Most Precarious of Times

Aaaah! 

Hi! So - first let's do the fun part and give you some pictures!

I have been training on Saturdays and Monday nights with the group of people doing Run for God. It's been really fun actually. I used to run in races a lot with my mom when I was younger and I couldn't believe how much I missed running with a group of people. I don't approve so much of running next to someone - I found I'm actually quite terrible at trying to make my pace match someone else's - but being in an environment where there are other people working for the same goals I am is really helpful. This is probably why I love the gym!

Anyways, I've always liked running out doors/cross country more than track or on a treadmill. It's WAY less boring and a lot more entertaining.

One of the days we went out though, the weather decided to be biting gold and barely anyone showed up. Even my roommate, who pulled me into this, figured I wouldn't go! But ohohohoho I proved her wrong!

Me and that doubting roomie! We have exaggerated happy faces on because we were both FREEZING.

Boooo weather!

THE ONLY attendees for that run that day. WE ARE TROOPERS.

Anyways, so that was GREAT.

Unfortunately, it always seems like at the peak time of improvement, SOMETHING has to go wrong. Just this last Thursday, I had to go get surgery on my side because there was a funky looking mole there I noticed and when I brought it up to the dermatologist, she thought it looked weird too. After removing it and testing it, they found that the cells there looked mighty precancerous - so they took a big chunk outta me! I heard them measuring as they were slicing and they said 6x2 inches of skin! Talk about grody!

I'd post pictures but this is a running blog not a "Caitlin grosses out the people who support her" blog. Tee hee.

Because of this fun surgery times though, I'm decommissioned from doing ANYTHING strenuous like lifting, pushing, pulling, running, - BASICALLY anything I do when I go to the gym or running or like. Grocery shopping even.

So I was pretty upset initially because - WOW I'm making progress. I can see it, random people can see it, the people who see me every day can see it. I am not about to lose all this progress on not being allowed to exercise for a week or two.

So I've shaped up my eating some more for best results. I am not gonna lose all that progress and I'm not going to lose the control that I've gained over my body and my life, due to a forced lack of activity let me tell you! My mom helped with some food selections and my perfect Auntie Shelley is also preparing a list of things I can eat without murdering my progress as well. It's great!

Anyways, that's about it for me - I just wanted you all to know that even in the face of not being able to exercise, you still have to pay attention to your body. This is the most precarious of times! Pay attention and take care!

I hope all of you are doing wonderful. I appreciate every word of support I get and I hope I keep you entertained!

Until next time!

<3

I Love My Body

Hi guys~ 

I'm sorry, I know it's been a while. And frankly, not speaking to any of you about this has really put a damper on the progress I ought to be making. I think I got past the honeymoon phase of it all and now it's at the part where everything seems to be a struggle for motivation. 

Strangely enough, eating junk food just isn't a temptation for me? I just seem to crave absolutely NOTHING. In fact, most things sound unappetizing and I have to force myself to eat because not eating isn't good either.

Anyways, other than coming here to tell you that yes, I'm still putzing along on this epic adventure and yes, I still think of you all often and YES ANN, I need to blog more because it honestly does make this harder, I did want to speak about something specific.

This is my body!

I love my body. I really do. One thing that's been bothering me a little bit is that I sincerely hope none of you think I'm doing this out of shame or because you think I want to be pretty. I'm already pretty great looking. 

I mean, look at me! 

Something that I think is really important to lifestyle changes is learning to develop a love for your body. I haven't always loved my body like I do right now. And I found that anything I tried in the past to lose weight never worked when I was doing it out of shame or pressure or because I wanted to impress someone I had a crush on. It never worked.

This thing...it's sticking. Like, okay, not gonna lie, I'm not 100% true to this new lifestyle change. I can't help it guys, burritos are just really fabulous creatures okay? But there's never once been a "Aw man, I messed up, I may as well give up now" thought running through my head. I am doing this thing. I'm doing it like a cow running through traffic but I'm still doing it. And I think that so much of this comes from me needing to do this for me. Not because I feel gross, not because I'm not beautiful, not because I want to impress anyone, not because of pressure or society or stupid humans.

Just me.

I know it works differently for other people but I just. I believe so strongly in loving yourself and making changes out of love for yourself and not out of pain or shame.

LOOK. Remember that picture I posted a while ago? Well there's TOTALLY a little bump there now.

YESSSSS.

So I thought I'd share some of the foods I've been eating.

 I've got this beautiful thing right here. HOMEMADE SALSA. Me, my sister and CaTyler made all this stuff up a couple of years ago and it was awesome. Lauren and Tyler did most of the work honestly but I am an extremely efficient taste tester.

This was my first time making it by myself but my roommates are all swearing by it. I have actually ruined all other salsa for them because they loved this so much. 

One night me and my roommate made dinner together - we do this a lot - I barbecued chicken on my new adorable George Foreman and she made AMAZING Ratatouille which, let me tell you, is the most perfect thing in the entire world and I never thought I could like vegetables so much.

One of my plans of action was to season a bunch of meat for the rest of the week, toss it in the fridge and then just pull out the little serving size for my meal that day. This ended up not working out so well because chicken goes bad REALLY fast. Whoops. 

So Caitlin's just going to go back to defrosting things a few hours beforehand like normal humans.

Anyways, other than all that, I have also been drafted by the previously mentioned roommate to train for a race in July called Run for God. There's multiple races and I haven't quite decided which one I'm going to do yet. A big chunk of me wants to give the 10k a try but I'm definitely going to need to buy new shoes if I'm going to continue training for long distance racing. I only have track sprinting shoes and we all know those suck after too long.

WELP that's it for me, kiddies I'm going to go finish this surprisingly delicious protein shake, take a shower and then sleep for the next 1,384,3284,2466,567,34645657457456436345 hours.

Thanks for reading!

OOPS

I'm sorry about the lack of updates. If you think it's because I haven't been sticking on track well OHOHO you're quite wrong.

So, Wednesday was a good day too and Thursday was as well. My major problem still is eating, but even with the limited sources I have until I can make my food tomorrow and Sunday, I have still eaten ten times more healthy this week than anything. I'm SUPPOSED to be drinking a gallon of water a day but uh.

Well.

Let's just say we're getting there. Not much of it retains before I pee it all out anyway. OOPS.

Anyways, the gym is turning out to be the easiest part of this thing. I mean, pushing myself through every exercise is still a hassle sometimes but it's funny how a week's worth of going to the gym and doing legit workouts make it something that feels like it already needs to be part of my day. I love going there, I love that they're starting to recognize me, I love that I KNOW I'm kicking major butt because of the way my body is reacting and I just. Ugh. It's so great.

Even though I haven't quite seen an outward change yet, I already feel a change within me. I still have the same amount of time during the day, but I feel like I can focus better. I'm working on art again. I'm finishing books I haven't finished before. I don't feel like I'm in so much of a rush anymore? I used to get off work and bolt it home to be on the computer. Now I'm finding that I can appreciate stuff like I used to. Like the sunsets and the Utah skies. I can sit in my car for a few minutes, just to the listen to the rain. I'm listening to music more again. I go into random restaurants just to sit alone and read.

I feel like most of this is all coming back to the fact that I'm starting to enjoy my own company again. I'm alone a lot and when I'm alone I'm usually consumed with a need to be around people. Now? I don't know. I like having moments by myself. I like going to the movies by myself sometimes. I like sitting in restaurants and enjoying meals by myself. I feel like it's really empowering and liberating and I like my own company.

I suppose that's a good thing since you should always shoot to be the kind of person you'd want to hang out with yourself.

Anyways, THIS is what I'm talking about for lifestyle change. Finding this target and this direction is what I've been looking for all along and it's only going to get better as I continue to get stronger. It means a lot to me that if I can say NO to a certain food type or YES to a workout and make myself behave, I really have the control I need to make it out of the rest of my situations.

I dunno if that makes sense haha.

Anyways, so yeah. This weekend will all be cooking, so I'll be sure to post some pictures of that.

AND THEN I'LL POST A PICTURE OF THE GIANT FAN IN PLANET FITNESS.

IT'S SO BIG.

Sometimes I find myself staring at it thinking, "Hello fan, please to not be crushing me now."

I know this sounds completely ridiculous but you'll understand when I get you a picture tomorrow.

Just a shoutout, really quick, to everyone who has been consistantly supporting me so far. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. I don't know what I'd do without you all and telling you about this was the best thing I've ever done.

Anyways,

I hope you all have a good weekend!

Dot dot dot

I saw I was leaving a lot of those in my titles on accident so I decided to make fun of myself a little.

Today was hard, not going to lie. The food poisoning from the stupid fish hasn't quite gone away yet (either that or I have a bug) and it's taking a toll on the energy and motivation I have. This thing is hard enough without something fighting my body on the sidelines too.

I was about ready to stay home and call it quits. I was in tears because of life stress and body stress and stressing about this new diet - and then I decided this was the time I needed to go to the gym most.

I've decided the gym has to become my new comfort food. Even if I don't go to work out, I need to bring a book and just sit down in the nice little waiting area they have there and just surround myself in the atmosphere because if I don't, I'm going to lose my momentum.

Anyways, I did go to the gym today. I powered through lower body workouts - all up until the calf machine and I had to stand and wait for some girl to finish up. She kept pausing to watch the TV and stare at her phone to text and I was just standing there like - hey! That weight you got on that machine is impressive, but I'll be even more impressed if you get off your phone and let me work!

She finally moved. Yesssssss.

I was supposed to do a longer, less strenuous run, but I'm starting to find out that the treadmill is REALLY not good for my knees. I ended up power walking for a half an hour. Not as good as I'd hoped, but it's still SOMETHING.

Eating is turning out to be the hardest thing for me. Remembering to eat and then having my food still unprepared in general is driving me nuts. I've been making attempts to start my meals, but I get home these days around 7-8pm and I have to be in bed at nine to make sure that when I get up at five? I'm good for work the next morning. I'm going to try my best this week, but I don't think my legit eating cycle will be able to start until this weekend, when I have two days to prep and ready myself for the following week. I have to start eating what I have though, so we'll work on partially being awesome!

So I told you yesterday that I'd make a list of wants from this lifestyle change. I'm trying to stay motivated and so far, EVERY single one of you have been absolutely amazing about it. I love it when you talk to me like this change is something that's for SURE going to happen. Your faith in me gives me faith in myself.

1. I want to be happier and have more direction in my life.

2. I want to lose weight (duh)

3. I WANT TO GET A BRAND NEW WARDROBE (if anyone wants to conditionally donate this based on my success I'm totally up for grand prizes ;P )

4. I want nice arms.

Those are the solid ones I have so far. I guess another one would be I WANT THIS TO BE EASIER but the only way for it to be easy is to get through the hard stuff. Sigh.

Anyways, maybe I'll think of more later.

Thank you for your continuous support.

You are all incredible inspirations to me.

And so it begins...

Ugh.

UGH.

So, today I had my High Intensity Interval Training after I worked my upper body and my abs. Working on my upper body was tough and I couldn't finish the number of reps I was supposed to - but I'm mostly basing it off what I can and can't do. So if I can only do fine of a set, I try and do six. If that six turned out to be easier than I thought, I try and do seven.

Now I need to let you know I don't look cool doing this at all. Movies make people pushing their limits look so fierce and exhausted and gorgeous with their sweat sheen in all the right parts of their head but I gotta tell you, I just looked like a wiggly noodle trying to push up ten pounds. It didn't bother me though. I found out something cool working out today - no one cares.

Literally. Go to the gym. No one is actually looking at you. If you work out on a machine where you're forced to face someone, everyone does their best to NOT stare at you because wow is that awkward or what. So if you avoid going to the gym because you think people are going to be staring and thinking, what are they doing here? Ignore it. Trust me they don't look. And if they do, it's probably because your shin makes a really good focal point when working out.

Anyways, so back to me whining. The ab training was tough too. I'd rather do a few right and wobble out then do a whole bunch wrong and make the rep mark. So I did a few right and I'll being paying for it in the morning.

The HIIT was tough as well but I have to tell you how satisfied I was to feel it. It was even satisfying to sweat (but also super super gross I mean ewwwww).

Proper after gym-wear. Slippers!

After the gym I hobbled to my car and went home, begged for some pressure from my mom and then got in the shower and took off to a two hour trip to Walmart because I don't know what healthy foods look like. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have gone right after a workout because all I wanted was a huge box of cheezits and all of the Bagel Bites the world can carry and wanted nothing to do with spinach but hey. Live and learn right?

How do adult?

After two recommendations, I also bought me a George Foreman and a Brita water filter so I can drink my gallons of water a day and do it with nice water.

Overwhelmed with health.

It's a really nice water thing.

I got home and begged my roomies (who get up as early as I do so we all sleep at about eight-nine) to rise from the ashes and help me carry in my groceries and then...

Sigh.

I purged every bit of food I have that wasn't part of Kristy's approved list. Purging meaning my roomies really made out let me tell you.

Anyways, I am EXHAUSTED and all I want to do is whine about how big of a bill that was but I guess people don't buy George Foreman's every trip they take to Walmart.

Tomorrow, I think, if I'm awake enough, I'll make a list of selfish goals I want. I mean OTHER than the lifestyle change, there are some things I definitely want to get out of this for sole personal pleasure.

Like getting some guns.

If you squint really hard you can pretend there's a bump.

See? No guns.

I guess this is the time when I should be trying my hardest to work on optimism.

Okay let's give it a go.

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

That works for me~

Night everybody~

Getting Started...

Oops I missed a few days to write, I'm sorry.

Anyways, so on Friday I had my first work out with Kristy.

Gym time!

She taught me how to use all the gym equipment there and let me tell you I could FEEL everything. Tomorrow, I start getting down to business again at the gym with my official workout routines so it'll be great to see how it goes from there.

Working out was a struggle for my upper body for the most part, my abs next and then the easiest came from my legs. Thank goodness for leg power right? At least I know I've gotten a start somewhere. It really struck me after the work out how I had muscles hurting that I didn't even know were there. I mean - I'm an artist, of course I knew they were there - but really they weren't because I have zero muscles for the most part. I'm going to change this ya hear?

So many notes! If anyone knows how to flip pictures IN blogger, that'd be great.

Anyways, before the work out, I hadn't had time to eat a lot and Kristy urged me to get some tuna in me for the protein needed for the workout. I popped a can and started eating it on my way over. BIG MISTAKE.

For basically the whole weekend, I was absolutely sick ridden with cramps and, TMI, bright orange diarrhea. I searched and searched the web to see what could be wrong with me, especially when I was assaulted by it every twenty minutes on average. I found out that most, if not all of those with my exact symptoms, had eaten a fish called an escolar right before the sickness struck. Escolar have a type of skin, I think, that has an oil in it that people can't digest. They're a real health problem. Now I knew I had that tuna so I wasn't sure but - after some more research, I found that it's VERY COMMON for escolar to be sold fraudulantly under the name of tuna. Can I tell you how MAD I was? I was sick ridden  because some moron packaged the wrong fish? UGH! I'm never buying THAT brand again.

Anyways, tomorrow will be a busy day. I have work and then my workout and then it's time to go grocery shopping finally for my new way of eating. 

I was going to do it tonight but unfortunately I ran out of time. I'm a little upset that tomorrow's the official start and I'll be late with the program on the food aspect but eh. I can't let that bother me. Usually, I'd say "No, this has to start EXACTLY right or I won't do it" and wait until next Monday but let's face it, I get really creative with procrastination and that needs to stop. So workout tomorrow and grocery shopping tomorrow. SO nervous but I know I can do it. 

Speaking of food though, here's my dinner I had tonight - 

Potluck!

Me and my roomies do these potlucks together and provide pieces of meals and then we eat and hang out together. SO much fun and the food is ALWAYS amazing. We have the greatest time talking and laughing. We'll still get to do this on my new lifestyle - I'll just have to introduce a few new things to them! ;)

Anyways, it's bed time for me! I'll let you know how tomorrow goes!

-Caitlin

Aaaaand They're Off...

Hi. My name is Caitlin. You know me as this silly face ->

But wait - we need one more introduction. This is my body.

Yeah, yeah I know, don't be jealous. I work my rolls like a queen.

I am making this blog because I need something and someone - hopefully any readers or supporters - to hold me accountable to the extreme lifestyle change I'm about to take. 

While losing weight is one of the primary goals here, it's not the main one. The main goal here is to get my life back on track. To get myself back on track. And I know more than anything that I'm going to need all the help I can get for that. If listening to me talk about my struggles as I go through this lifestyle change is something that bores you or makes you uncomfortable, my imaginary friend, Zoe, will show you to the lovely X button at the top right corner of your webpage. Ready? Go.

Okay. Now that we've gotten the select group ready to listen (all one of you), I suppose I should begin.

I am a person who has always had extremely high expectations of myself. While my parents were supportive of my grades in high school, I never got the best grades because of them. I wanted those grades because they were mine. They were something I was good at. The same went for art. I was always really good at art and it became mine too. They were goals of mine. I would go to an incredible school in California, I would become a top animator and I would do it all while learning more, becoming smarter, eventually landing a successful job and carrying out my dreams all in a timely manner.

Obviously, they didn't happen. ;P I'd like to go into a perilously long explanation of the things that have happened to me in the last couple of years that have led me to this decision, but I'm afraid most of it will bore you to tears. 

Long story short,

I am lost. 

I have reached a point in my life where I am absolutely lost and I don't know where to go from here. I tried reorienting myself to new goals and then those broke too. I know I want to go to school, but even hesitant plans for the fall leave me grasping for straws. I can't finish my art anymore, I can't finish books. I can't finish shows or even cleaning my room as you can see from the picture above. I am numb. Clients get angry with me at work and I feel like I have to react because I'm not reacting to anything. Friends are going through stressful times and I channel it because then at least I feel something. I come home from work and I sit on my bed and watch Special Victims Unit because Instant Watch doesn't need you to press play anymore so the episodes just keep going and who am I to stop at one? I do nothing. Buying DVDs brought a temporary joy. Raising my credit score brought a temporary joy. Eating junk food brought a temporary joy.

And then all the joy stopped. 

Only when my friends had the time to hang around me did I feel like myself again. The rest of the time, I was swimming. Outwardly, I was okay. There's nothing wrong with my life, why should I complain about it? I'm making great money, I've got friends, a good car, a huge savings. What more should I need? How could I be unhappy with that?

And then my Aunt Shelley recommended me the Body for Life. It took me a month to read this book, to really read it. I had asked her for something to help me because I wanted the weight change and she asked me specifically, whether I was doing this because I thought I was fat or because I wanted to be happy. Of course I responded because I wanted to be happy.

But I didn't really get it until I realized how unhappy I was and how it had little to nothing to do with how I look. 

I didn't lie when I told her I didn't think I was ugly or fat. I know I'm overweight and it's taken me all the strength in my being to overcome that and finally be proud of happy of my physique and learn not to care what other people think. I have no qualms with how I look.

I have plenty, however, with the way I feel.

I decided to do the Body for Life Program. I didn't tell anyone at first because it felt too personal. It was something I'd been mulling over for a long time. Could I do it? Did I dare try only to fail? I'd tried diets and things before with good heart, only to fail. Then I realized there was no other option. I had to do this. I wasn't going to try. I was going to do it. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this. That I could finish something. I had to finish something.

When I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to do Body for Life, she immediately recommended me to Kristy. I was intimidated at first, but extremely longing. Going into this program I had no idea what I was doing. Where do I start? How do I even cook this? What is a yam anyway? Kristy could provide me with direction - only I'd have the direction and the guidance of a live person who's done the program herself and whose own program, Body Buddies,  has filled the holes to make up for what she experienced was missing.

Kristy told me tonight that our bodies are like beautiful shiny Ferraris. Think of the outrage you'd feel with one of those cars and your friend started fueling it up with diesel. 

It's time for me to start taking car of my little Ferrari.

That starts today.